THE REALLY WEIRD NEWZ...
by Roy Mackey
July 25, 2012 Newz Flash
Purge...The New Way to Eat and Get Slim
Yes once again science has saved the day with an amazing new product called Purge. This new product is a godsend for those that love to eat and yet don't want to get fat. With a bottle of Purge in your purse or pocket you can finally eat all you want when you want. Though this product is not on the shelves quite yet it will be very soon. Our reporter, Ben Wachin, has discovered that it could be on the shelves within the next couple of months. In a recent interview with Slim Quikly one of the head reps for Urgamble Inc. makers of Purge, Ben learned some amazing things about this new product. Yes things that most of you heavy eaters out there are going to just love.
Are you a foodie or heavy eater that just loves eating but can't because you "fill up" too quick? Do you love food but don't want to get fat? Would you for once like to enjoy all the foods you love without worry. Maybe you have two dinner parties to go to in one night and don't want to be rude. Or maybe you just want to polish off a whole double layer cake all by your self and guilt free. Well whatever the case worry no more. Just grab a bottle of Purge and the fun has just begun. This amazing new drug will solve all your eating worries once and for all. Just pop a couple tabs of Purge before you eat and that’s it!!!
Apparently according to Slim what Purge does so to speak is "open all the doors right to the back door but not including the back door". Any food that you eat after taking purge just flies "almost" right through you. He did stress "almost" as that was their biggest challenge. They did not want people who consumed Purge to lose all control of elimination. They just wanted to get the excess food or whatever through the system as quickly as possible. The important part was leaving the person in control to exercise the final stage of elimination at their choice. Urgamble was well aware of the fact that embarrassing disasters at the dinner table would not be good for sales.
You see when they started working on Purge they had one objective. That was to help Bulimics. Throwing up food due to over eating or neurotic habit is a very dangerous game. Our bodies are designed to have food only flow one way. The only exception is when someone has ingested things that are dangerous to the body. Then the body will often go into survival mode by throwing up in order to save it self. This is great when it comes to ingested poisons etc. Under normal circumstances though it is a different story after all one could easily choke on food being "thrown up". Throwing up may be fine for poisonous or certain toxic things but for normal food it is a real gamble. The trouble is one too many pieces of pie is not poison. They then concluded that if they could just get the body to open up all channels and get the food to just race through the system mostly unabsorbed this could be a very beneficial thing. Mostly because it would eliminate the choking risk.
Slim did go on to say that this drug was tested extensively and was not without its share of disasters. In the early stages we lost a lot of rabbits. It was very expensive for us. Once we got it to the point where it would not kill the rabbits we knew it would be safe to test on humans. When it came to human testing we offered all the food you could eat to those that wanted to be part of the trials. With the economy as it is right now that was the easy part. Of course like all testing those qualifying did have to sign a waiver in case of strange side effects showed up. At the testing lab we had a huge buffet set up where the people, mostly homeless or the very poor, could go and eat all they wanted when they wanted. The only requirement was they had to take two tabs before every meal. Some were given the real drug some just a placebo.
In the earlier stages of research we quickly learned that the people had to pick out their food and then carry it to another room at the other end of the facility before consuming the drug and the food. Apparently the earlier formulas were opening the "back door" also. Needless to say this lead to some heavy duty clean up sessions in the buffet room. Not very appetizing for the other guinea pigs. For Urgamble though it was just another live and learn situation.
Most people forget how the Romans used to have long parrot feathers in the bathrooms for those that ate too much and wanted to eat more. A little barbaric by today's standard but does show that for eons people have been wanting to eat more without all the worrying or discomfort that goes with it. According to Slim "Purge" is the civilized answer to being able to eat all you want when you want.
Now Slim did point out of course that just like other drugs there is a long list of side effect. Most though being fairly minor especially when compared to chocking to death on "thrown up" food.
Of course Like most prescriptions these days before you can use the product you must go on-line and sign a waiver freeing Urgamble Inc. from any liability. Slim also pointed out that even though there are some pretty scary side effects they do not compare with chocking to death on "thrown up" food. "That is as scary as it gets" he said. "We feel we are really saving lives here. Things like kidney failure and blindness can be dealt with, but as of today anyway, death can't". I have to admit he did have a point.
Either way if you love to eat then this could be your guardian angel. Slim was also quoted as saying "the FDA has now been paid off…. I mean... has now approved the drug so it should be hitting the shelves very soon".
Though no prescription will be required you will have to provide identification and sign the waiver before purchase. Signing the waiver can be done both online or in person at the store. You name then gets marked on the bottle with you agreeing to be the sole user. It is also made obvious in the waiver that anyone sharing the product with someone else could be held liable for any side effects that person may encounter when using the product. Pretty obvious that you don't want that risk so better to just let your friends pick up the product themselves. Now apparently if you sign the waiver online you will be sent an email that you can print off and just hand to the clerk so that everyone else in the line does not hear what you are buying. Obviously a good sign that Urgamble Inc. does respect your privacy.
All you eaters out there may want to stay tuned as the release date for this wonderful new product is expected to be announced shortly.
May 10, 2011 NEWZ FLASH
Kids in Court!!!!
Well folks once again strange and unusual news has been hitting the headlines. It appears that kids across North America have now started suing their parents for years of feeding them junk food, chemically sprayed food and genetically altered food!! This crazy new trend has started a real panic with parents all over. Apparently they are even suing them for the damage they have done to "their" earth caused by the manufacture of these foods and chemicals.
Just recently our reporter Ben Wachun was able to get access to a meeting set up by the organizers of this new movement. During the meeting one of the kids stood up and said "We are tired of all the abuse and won't take it any longer. First they stuffed us full of chemically laden junk food and then parked us in front of a TV so they could teach us what we wanted in life. This form of brainwashing was designed so that we would think we knew what we wanted. Yet in truth was only what they wanted us to want. That way it would support all their profit making businesses. It has been one big scam and we have to pay for it. They are all going to be dying off soon and leaving us with this one big mess to clean up!!! The desperate act of adults trying to get rich no matter what the cost to others has made us the fattest generation in history. They get fat wallets and we get fat bellies. So like the time has come for them to pay up. "
Later on another speaker stood up and said "Right from day one parents have been lying to us. First they told us there was a Santa Claus, then they stuffed the egg carrying Easter bunny down our throats, after that it was the tooth fair and later the stork. It's been one big lie after the other and then to really top it all they even tried to convince us that George Bush was a president that actually got voted in? How stupid do they take us to be? I think kids world wide are finally waking up to their insanity and have had enough."
One strange thing at this meeting was no one used their real names. They all had number letter combinations to identify each other. Toward the end of the meeting Ben managed to get a few words in with the organizer. He told Ben that the reason they use no names of for fear of parents finding out who it was that attended the meeting. Most attendees there had the same fear and that was getting their smart phones grounded.
This speaker later went on to tell Ben even more. He said "the biggest lie was that they did not want us to be drinking. Once we started looking we figured that one out real fast. Adults have created a very complex infrastructure that depends heavily on things like drinking. Drinking drags in huge amounts of tax money into the coffers to maintain this infrastructure. The same with smoking. The spin off from the excessive drinking is what creates jobs for auto-body shops, hospitals, funeral homes, etc etc. It keeps a huge amount of adults in the workforce. They dumped simple reverse psychology on us knowing most kids like to rebel their parents at a certain age. Since we knew that they did not approve of drinking, except for themselves of course, they knew we would bite. We all fell for it… like suckers, lock stock and barrel. It all boils down to them making profit at the expense of those they said they loved."
Ben was later able to get an interview with one of the lawyers involved in these cases. Though he did not want us to use his name he did go on to say "It serves the adults right. They should have done what I did and that was to get each of our children to sign a waiver freeing my wife and I of any past, present or future liability. I did that to both of our kids the day they turned sixteen. I told them that if they signed the waiver I would get them each a car on the day they turned sixteen. I tell you it was a lot cheaper to pick up a couple of barely running beaters than to pay for time in court. I knew this was inevitable eventually. After all kids are getting smarter and smarter. Luckily it looks like I outfoxed mine but I feel sorry for all the other parents out there who never thought ahead. All that cheap processed, genetically altered, sugar laden junk food is not going to seem like much of a deal now."
One of the strangest attendees at the meeting was an elderly scientist. Apparently he was quite an advocate for their cause and was even providing funding to help build their network of followers. He did agree to saying a few words to Ben as long as his name was not used… including his number name. He later told Ben "Since they started the drug war in America cocaine consumption has gone up 900 percent! There were two reasons for this. The first is they drug lords get media coverage almost every night during prime time for almost free!! Coca-Cola has to pay millions for that privilege. The second was this coverage made sure that everyone, mostly kids knew that drugs like cocaine etc were bad and wrong. Thus every normal rebelling kid in North America would have to try it. It is normal, tell someone they cannot or should not have it and they want it all the more. Simple psychology. Kind of funny when you think about it. Every church poster saying drugs are bad was just making kids want drugs all the more. Sure not the odd weak ones maybe but all the rest sure did. The proof is in the numbers!!!"
One rumor in regards to this issue is that funding for this movement is coming from all the new internet millionaires a lot of which are very young and believers in this cause. Since lawyers are not forced to reveal who is paying them and how much confirming this is pretty well impossible.
One parent when asked what he thought was quick to reply. He said "Kids have got to learn that we are still the boss around here and that we make the rules. Until we are too old to control things then they dang well better do as we say and not what we do. They should be bloody well thankful they even got what they did. There are kids in Biaffra would have given anything for that junk food. They also need to remember we make the rules as to how old is old enough to have a say.... thus tough kitty to those young smart ass ones"
No matter how you look at this issue it is a hot one and it appears things are going to get worse before they get better. Apparently there are a huge group of highly organized kids that have infiltrated the system and have plans to start some major disruption. This is a world wide organization of kids who are really fed up. Since so many kids are behind this, and for obvious reasons stopping them is going to be hard. It is not like the government can send Apache gunships into every neighbor hood and blast hell out of things like in the old days. This is an inside job that could make Bin Laden's efforts seem trivial and petty by comparison.
One government official was quoted as saying "this is going to be a real tough one since we can't tell who is involved and who is not. Even with our school system on our side kids are just not as dumb as they used to be. It is like they just keep being born smarter and smarter. At this point we feel outfoxed. If something does not get done fast our whole system could collapse and we could all be taking orders from our children. This could lead to financial chaos, inter racial feuding, war, violence and total confusion. It is another one of those situations where the people are going to have to realize that we must surrender our rights in order for our system to survive. Once again our freedom depends on it."
After interviewing some parents on this issue Ben found out a lot of parents are getting kids to sign release waivers before they fed them any more. One parent was quoted as saying "This may not be the whole answer but at least it is something right now. I worked all my life to save up enough money to retire and am not going to have my kids drag me to court to burn up all my savings. Sure I love my kids but I have got my future to think about. If I am not careful I could miss out on early retirement. My neighbor has already retired and he is five years younger than me!"
Well folks you may want to stay tuned here as this is one big issue that is about to get a lot bigger if this movement goes any farther. You can bet there will more upcoming news on this as the time goes by. Also another good reason to get tracking chips installed in your children.
April 7, 2011 NEWZ FLASH
BARK-STOP... the new peace maker!!
Well it seems that dog problems have really hit the news lately. Especially after that recent issue in Texas where a farmer was charged with inhumane treatment of animals. Apparently he opened fire on a neighbors barking dog with a high power fully automatic rifle. The dog had been shot thirty nine times. The dogs owners were quoted as saying they could not even tell for sure if it was their dog or not!! All of this because our dog loves to bark at night. It is just not right. Well thanks to companies like Dog Gone this could have been easily avoided.
Yes folks once again the makers of Dog Gone Dog Repellent had really outdone themselves with their new product called Bark-stop. Though a lot of urban dwellers may not be as familiar with dogs barking, country folks are more than familiar with it. Dog barking is very frustrating problem that has caused more than a few people to lose their cool. If you have ever experienced this situation you already know why. Nothing is worse than trying to sleep when your neighbors dog is barking non stop. Since most Canadians are not big on complaining to anyone about anything let alone their neighbors, they usually just lay there trying to suppress their urge to kill the offending mutt. Often dog owners themselves are somewhat immune to their dogs bark. Not unlike a mother gets jaded to her child's constant crying and screaming. It is not as if they are immune to all sounds. If you started playing rock music late that they could hear they would be calling the cops on you.
Well thanks to Bark-Stop none of this will ever be an issue again. With Bark-Stop all you have to do is sneak within slingshot range of the offending dog. Then using the provided slingshot device you lop a piece of Bark-Stop over the fence as near as possible to the dog. Because of the, delicious to dogs, odor it gives off most dogs find the "meat" in seconds. Shortly after the dog has ingested the "meat" it is "lights out" for bowser. The active drug in the simulated meat pieces puts the dog into a very deep sleep within a minute or two that usually lasts for a couple of hours. By that time you will be fast asleep and your neighbor will never know the difference.
A rep for Dog Gone was quoted as saying "Barkstop also has what we call target drugs in its two part formula. The first part puts the dog to sleep the second part targets and erodes the part of a dogs brain that gives it the urge to bark. Thus if the dog continues to ingest Bark-Stop over a reasonable period of time eventually that part of the dogs brain starts to erode. Then after a while will eventually start to lose the urge to bark completely. Though the effects caused by long term use of Bark-Stop are not reversible it is otherwise totally harmless to the dog in other ways."
Bark-Stop is reasonably priced and comes complete with meat launcher, a fake piece of the product so you can practice getting your aim down without wasting a usable piece Bark-Stop. Each piece of the meat is individually wrapped and in a sealed container. The shelf life of this product is pretty well indefinite if unopened. That way you don't have to worry about expiry dates etc.
So folks if you got problems with barking dogs then grab yourself some Bark-stop. It could save a dogs life!!
March 24, 2011 NEWZ FLASH
Dog bombs…. The latest tool for fighting lazy dog owners.
Have you ever had a neighbor's dog come by on a a regular basis to drop a "dog mine" on your lawn. Of course always at a time when you were out of bullets or were not even home. Have you also noticed that the dog's owner is never there to clean it up? Well your time of revenge has come!!! Once again the makers of Dog Gone Dog Repellent have made another breakthrough with the advent of "Dog Bombs" These little wonder pills may look small and innocent but don't let their size fool you. The pills are packed full of "Sweet revenge and are more fun than a barrel full of politicians trapped in a pig pen!!"
What you do is take a couple of these little wonder pills with you on your next walk in the rain. Then as you are walking by the lawn of the offending dog's owner you just flick a one or two out onto his lawn. After a few minutes in the rain or under a sprinkler the outer coating of the "Dog Bomb" slowly starts to break down and dissolve. Once the water comes into contact with the inner ingredients then it swells up into a nice big pile. Strangely the pile resembles that a Saint Bernard would drop, huge gooey and very sticky.
The nice thing about Dog Bombs is the slow react time which gives you a chance to "get away" before anyone notices the large growing mound. They are also hard to clean up since the gooey mess sticks to the grass just like a lot of mushy dog droppings do.
Now on top of being one big gooey mess Dog Bombs have a small amount of the active ingredient that is in Round-up weed killer. That is what kills out the grass in that spot just like a real dog mine does if it is not cleaned up. A rep for Dog Bomb was quoted as saying "It's an eye for and eye… if a neighbors dog dumps on your lawn you just get him back after all it is only fair. If you think about it what would your neighbor say if your kids kept throwing rocks on his lawn? He would be howling mad at you and your kids and expecting you to do something about it. This is no bloody different!" Dog Bombs are a harmless product that allows you to get even with your neighbor. They will hopefully teach him that cleaning up dog mines from other people's dogs is no fun.
Another nice thing to know about Dog Bombs is that they are safe around kids. The only side affect that both animals and kids may experience if they ingested them would be a severe case of diarrhea. In fact one Dog Bomb user used this to his advantage. He watched his neighbor and noticed that every day he would head off to work and put their dog inside the house. At lunch he would come home and let the dog out while he made lunch. "Once I figured out his routine I just lopped a Dog Mine wrapped in a cold cut, over the fence. The offending dog gulped it back and just before the owner left for work. Of course the dog was inside and once the Dog Bomb kicked in knew all hell was going to break loose. In fact the next day carpet cleaners were parked in front of his house for a couple of hours so I knew it had worked!" Another person interviewed was quoted as saying "It makes sense after all what can you do? If you complain to the guy he would likely not do anything anyway. At least knowing you got revenge makes sleeping a lot easier" When we told one Dog Gone rep about this he did stress that giving Dog Bombs to any animal or child is in no way recommended or is it a safe use for the product.
Either way there is no doubt that Dog Bombs are your chance to finally get revenge. Dog Gone Inc. is expecting sales of this new product to go very well. They have done all the research in advance and there was no doubt the demand for this type of product was there.
March/16/2011 NEWZ FLASH...
Jet-Lag... the new wonder drug!!!
Well folks lets give a big round of applause to the folks at Cantrol Living Inc. Much to the delight of parents world wide they have come up with an amazing new product called Jet-Lag. This unbelievable new product will save parents everywhere endless hours of hair pulling frustration. Jet-Lag, when administered properly, will knock the edge off your child's erratic behavior. A child that's had a dose of Jet-Lag will want to just lay on the couch and sleep. This makes it a godsend for those times you are traveling or just want some peace and quiet the odd evening. No longer will parents have to deal with the intolerable and troublesome behavior that children often exhibit. With Jet-Lag you will never hear "Are we there yet" again!!!
This amazing new product comes in both pill and powder form. Powder form it makes it easier to administer a dosage without your child being aware. This works great for older children that are more aware and may not want to willingly take it. The parent only has to mix this tasteless product into the child's favorite food. Since the effects of Jet Lag come on rather slowly the child only thinks that they are getting sleepy.
Apparently some parents are wondering if it is safe to use on their pets also. In fact one owner was very excited about trying it on his dog but was not going to try without proof of proper testing. He was quoted as saying "my dog drives me nuts every night the moment I come home. He will pace back and forth in front of the door whining until I take him for a walk. If Jet Lag worked for dogs I could just give him a dose and get back to the 6:00 News." Unfortunately we were unable to get comment from Cantrol on this matter. Either way it is safe for your children so time will tell if they decide to bring out a version for pets also.
One parent when interviewed said "it is appalling that everyone just wants to drug up their kids to shut them up. What is our society coming to?" Though when asked by the interviewer if he has ever used the product he did say on occasion and only if totally required.
In today's modern world it is nice to know that companies like Cantrol are looking out for our sanity and peace of mind. Once again proving that modern living through chemistry is possible.
Of course as with all the products they sell, buyers are required to sign a waiver releasing the company of any liability in the odd event that complications do arise. A rep for Cantrol was quoted as saying "the waiver is designed to protect the average user. If one person out of a hundred has one of the noted extreme reactions to the drug then it does not ruin it for the rest of the users who don't have a reaction. It has always been unfair that one or two people experiencing something bad could get a valuable drug like this banned from everyone's use. Our waiver keeps that from happening. By signing the waiver the parent is agreeing to take responsibility for any of the risks associated with the drugs use." The Cantrol rep also went on to say that they have made it very clear that in the event of a negative reaction to the drug the user is responsible for proving that it was their drug and not just side effects from eating a twinkie that caused the issue.
Apparently Cantrol is also the first company to offer insurance against any side effects the drugs may cause. Not much different than paying for an extended warranty on your new electronics in case it fails. The polices range in size depending on the reaction experienced. Their cheaper policies cover such things as nausea and headaches. The more expensive policies cover everything including sudden death, liver or kidney failure. When our reporter interviewed buyers it was quickly apparent that most parents did go for the policies. One was quoted as saying "it is a great idea. A serious side effect or death could be financially devastating thus it only made sense."
Apparently it appears a lot of parents are not too concerned about the risks verses the advantages as sales for Jet Lag have gone through the roof. So if you are going on a long holiday with children or just want an evening of quiet then make sure you keep a bottle of Jet Lag handy. You will be glad you did!!!
November 12/2010 NEWZ FLASH....
THE NEW TRACKING IMPLANTS ARE APPROVED!
Well once again more breaking news that you are really going to love if you are a parent or parent to be. Researchers have finally come up with non-toxic tracking implants for your child. Extensive testing on rabbits has proven that these new implants are totally safe. Unfortunately a rash of horrific side effects caused by the earlier implants forced the government to ban their use. Now though, thanks to more testing on more rabbits these new implants are confirmed to be totally safe. One of the reasons the earlier versions proved to be so toxic was because they were implanted at far too early in the patient. Now new regulation requires that implants not be installed until your child is over the age of four.
One of the best things about implants is the security of always knowing exactly where your child is at any time you want. Using the GPS tracking system you can track your child to within 5 ft of their location. This means you can even track where they are within any house. The new design also means they will last for the lifetime of the child. Which of course means no longer have to take the child back for further operations as they grow older. Most find this a real advantage if you don't want your child to know he has one.
Another very interesting update to these implants is the camera tracking system. Every time your child walks by one of the millions of public cameras it snaps a picture. It then stores the picture under your particular child's file. That way at any point you can log in and quickly skim over the images to check on your child. This also makes it very easy to confirm you child's story.
Of course your child will not have access to the account unless you issue it to them. On top of that only you will have access to allow deleting of pictures. That way you know your child won't gain access and delete images he or she doesn't want you to see.
Most parents signing up for the implants are planning to keep quiet about them and the tracking accounts. One parent who was quite excited about this said "I think if you tell the child they have an implant then they are more likely to watch their actions around or near the cameras." One other parent was also quoted as saying "this is the best thing ever. Often we are so busy with our lives we don't really have time to stop and take pictures of our child as he grows up. This new system means it will be done for us. Sure at birthdays etc we will take pictures but it is nice to have pictures of them in a more natural and un-staged situations."
Apparently the system uses facial recognition and zooms in to take more detailed shots. That way you don't end up with just some low res tacky shot of your kid lost in a crowd. Though not all the pictures will turn out to be high quality they will not be definitely better than you would expect. In fact often the images obtained are very good quality and worthy of printing. You can also set up cameras in your own house that will take hundreds of images of your child every day. That way you will never miss a day. You can also log onto your account and give the public access to any of the photos you want.
Though most parents find this news system priceless there are a few who were quite against it. One parent was quoted as saying "how do I know who else could be tracking my child? There are a lot of pervs out there in government and I am concerned for my daughters safety."
Another parent brought up the rumor of kids doing home operations on themselves to remove the chips. Supposedly these operations were done in very unsanitary conditions at home. Needless to say the risk of infection in this type situation is huge. Apparently to help battle this problem youtube has now removed any videos that relate to doing home removals of these chips. This has not stopped kids though from sharing the info on other secret sites. In fact there are supposedly some kids who are now making big money doing "chip scans" on their fellow class mates to find out if they have been "chipped" in the past. Some of those same kids are also making huge money doing black market removals. Though illegal that has not stopped these young entrepreneurs. Once removed the child carries the chip with them. Then when they don't want to be "watched" they drop the chip somewhere like at a friends place or library etc. Then they go off un-tracked.
A rep for TracCorps, maker of the new devices stated that tracking chips really are the responsible thing to do. "Any parent with any concern for their children with be more than willing to pay for the seemingly expensive implants. After all what is your child really worth to you? A child is a big investment and one that you really should have insured."
Apparently TracCorps even has an iPhone app for their system. That way no matter where you are you can nail down the location of up to five of your kids. Like the earlier versions you will still need to sign a waiver in order to have these installed in your child. TracCorps also offers an insurance policy you can buy the protects you in the extremely odd chance that your child does experience complications. According to the rep we spoke with TracCorps realizes that losing a child can be devastating which is why they offered the insurance. At least that way the parent is not ruined financially also. Even though they claim that odds of your child having complications are only one in a hundred or less they still think it is better to be safe. Which is I assume is what the insurance policy provides.
I guess time will tell but as of December 24, 2010 the government has once again allowed the advertising and use of tracking implants. After that we will see how many parents step up to the plate cash in hand.
November 8/2010 NEWS FLASH....
Well folks more exciting news in the area of recycling has hit the news stands today. It now appears that the military is testing new bullets made out of recycled prescribed medications. Apparently during recent tests on rabbits the results were quite astounding. The bullets did not kill the animal but the side effects caused by the meds did. Military spokesperson, Doug Graves, said the bullets actually vaporize into fine powder on impact with the surface of the soldiers clothing. Ultra fine particles of the recycled meds penetrate the fabric and skin creating an unbearable burning sensation. The sensation lasts for quite some time rendering the soldier ineffective at doing anything during this time. Then because of the odd mix of medications used the person either dies slowly or develops some weird and crippling side effect like liver or kidney failure.
To those that don't know, killing the enemy is not as desired as one would think. What is really sought after is a good wound that leaves the soldier conscious but incapable of doing anything. Of course a really good wound is one that requires a lot of intensive medical attention. This in turn puts more strain on the enemy's resources. If the wounded soldier is not given proper attention then the moral of the remaining soldiers goes way down.
Graves also commented that costs for this project have been very minimal since most of the research had already been done in hospitals across the country. "We pretty well knew in advance the results we were going to get" said Graves. Presently death caused by reactions to "approved" medical prescriptions is one of the top four killers in America. The available supply of un-used meds is very large in this country since almost everyone has some kind of outdated medical prescription sitting in their bathroom cabinet. We would only need to put up recycle stations at drug stores around the country to gather up this material.
One of the real benefits from this plan is that each drug has an endless list of potential side effects. When you mix in more drugs then the potential for side effects compounds. That way the enemy will not have a clue what to expect. One drug might lead to liver failure and another blindness mix the two together and viola you have anal leakage! All this would put a huge strain on their battle front medics as they tried to guess what side affect was going to kick in.
Probably the most impressive thing about all of this is the fact that it shows even the military is going green! All for the bennifit of Mother Nature and cheaper warfare. So if you have any old meds kicking around you may want to hang onto them for a bit longer. At least until the recycle centers get organized. Who knows by tossing them in the bin you maybe doing a bigger favor for yourself than anybody!!
October 13/2010 NEWS FLASH....
International Drive Your Car
Well the big news item today that has everyone excited is March 20th will now officially be declared "International Drive Your Car Day" This is a first as far as international communications are concerned. Never have so many countries been able to sidestep their differences and implement such a holiday. One person interviewed on the street by our reporter said "Cars are the real universal language, not love… or music… Almost everyone no matter where they live can appreciate the beauty of a well made well designed car whether they like the model or not. The car is a tribute to how far we have come since living in caves. It is creativity at its finest. A highly creative and collaborative project involving everyone from children working in factories making parts to rig pigs drilling for oil in the frigid north. The craftsmanship on even the cheapest cars is remarkable making any two cars of the same model almost impossible to distinguish from each other. The car is a universal goal that unites mankind with one of two desires and that is to make one better or buy one better. We all pretty well fall into either category on some level or another whether we want to admit it or not."
As one might expect this new stat holiday has caused a real big stir with a lot of people. Some are in favor and some are not. One avid supporter of this new statutory holiday said "It is about time. Most people are so ungrateful towards the automobile that it is unreal. Yet in truth the automobile was one of the biggest forces that shaped the world we live in today. It has been a vital ingredient in all we have accomplished. Including delivering food and medical supplies to those in desperate need. Food production is highly dependent on the automobile as is almost every aspect of our modern lives. It is time we showed a little gratitude." Our reporters found that most of those who were against this new holiday did not own or could not afford to own cars.
The goal with "Drive Your Car Day" is to get everyone to take their cars out for a drive. For those that are too busy they can just start their car up and leave it idling in the parking lot. If you have more than one then fire them all up! Hopefully the more people that get in the better it will be. All that extra gas being burnt will lead to more road taxes being collected by the government. This of course will give them more money to build more roads to more and more impoverished areas. That whole process will create jobs for people in the construction industry which of course benefits everyone.
In fact one big advocate of Drive Your Car Day is a developer from Texas who chose to remain anonymous for now. He has plans to build the first ever car resort. There people will be able to take their cars for two weeks of pampering and special treatments. Apparently once the car arrives to the resort it will get back to back luxury treatment. All oil and lube jobs are free including wax jobs and you can get as many as you want. Cars will be able to stay running the whole time if their owners choose.
Of course this is just the beginning. There will be a race track where any car that wants to can go as fast as it wants. There will be stop lights on every corner but the cars won't have to stop. Car owners will be able to take their cars into all sorts of events like drag racing, oval track racing, back up races, burnouts, red-line endurance races, blow your engine competitions, etc etc. This resort is all-inclusive and you don't have to pay for a thing from wax jobs to hi test gasoline. For very reasonable fees you can even get high performance engine upgrades or engine rebuilds for any who compete in all the events. This massive resort will have over one hundred miles in roads and no speed limits anywhere on the resort. In fact there is even a special track where you can drink and drive all you want. Needless to say you will be required to sign a wavier to use some of the facilities like the "Drink and Drive" track. This resort is designed even for off-roaders as there are endless rolling hills perfect for getting a little mud on the tires and chewin up some terrain!!
According to the resorts builder a big part of the resort is being built on swamp land that is of no use to anyone and is just a breeding ground for mosquitoes. It will be the first and of course the biggest "Car Resort" in the history of automobiles.
A recent visit to some of the local schools by our reporters found that most students were hugely in favor of this new stat holiday. One student was quoted as saying "this is like totally awesome, since like, we work so hard, like, all year studying like English and all that like other stuff and like we really need the time to like chill and like text their friends like who don't like sit near them in like the classroom."
Take it or leave it apparently "Drive Your Car Day" is here for good! No doubt there will be endless fund raising events to collect money for oil companies that have had accidents and lost huge amounts of oil that they were unable to sell. Some of their losses have been severe and have had to pay for their losses out of their own pockets. Apparently someone overheard George Bush talking in the back room at a NA Meeting about this idea. Supposedly he said he was all in favor of this holiday since oil companies and their crew work extremely hard in order for us to keep supplied with new batches of fresh oil to feed our addiction. So everyone make sure you don't miss this great event and fire up you old beast in support of this holiday.
November 3/2010 NEWS FLASH....
Hot New Real Estate Selling
Trick Revives a Sagging
Well once again our undercover reporter has dug deep and uncovered the latest trend in real estate marketing. Apparently this new trend has taken real estate marketing to a whole new level.
As you may all know during the peak of the real estate rush every Tom Dick and Sally were getting into flipping houses. The streets were full of enthusiastic speculators all armed with their Carlton Sheets guides to getting rich in real estate. TV even got in with shows like Flip that House etc etc. In fact someone said that McDonalds was considering to add house flipping how-to books in their Happy Meal packages! I guess the plan was to start them young at the same time recruiting new potential house buyers.
During these busy times it was vital to find houses that needed a little fixing up. These were the ones that you could make easy, guilt free, profit on. Houses that needed simple things like lawns mowed, fence painted, taps fixed were the best. These type of repairs could be done by anyone plus were fast and easy. that way you could buy the place, mow the lawn, paint the fence, and fix the taps and then "flipper" for a big profit. It was a fast a furious time for profits that still lingers here in Canada.
All this was fun but there was a problem. That was an eventual shortage of "fixer upper" houses! Finding good ones got harder and harder. Then just as things started to look grim for Carlton's gang of followers along came Ben Greade with his new book "Their Loss is Your Gain… the new way to make big bucks in real estate" It now appears that Mr. Greade has started a new trend by making "fixer uppers" as he calls them. What Ben has been doing is buying up houses that most "flippers" pass over. These are the little pristine gems that need nothing. Then using the tricks outlined in his new best selling book turns those nice houses into "fixer uppers" and before long has line ups of eager buyers.
Ben commented that basically all he had to do was buy a nice clean house in top shape. Then hire a bunch of unemployed movie set guys and get them to make the house look like some kind of uncared for derelict place. After that you just sit back and watch the bidding begin. Ben was quoted as saying that part of the reason people like "fixer uppers" is that they feel guilty buying and selling a house for a huge profit. By doing some fixing etc it helps justify to them their profit margin. He also said that his chapter "Guilt Schmilt" teaches people how to deal with their primitive guilty feelings around making too much profit.
Apparently according to Ben this is the hottest thing since selling ocean front property in Arizona to Jimmy Buffet. It is a ground floor opportunity. The one chapter on selling these "fixer uppers" to your grand kids or friends is a real eye opener on how easy making big bucks can be. Ben also said that you have to get in early before the word gets out. Which is why he recommends getting his book fast. It appears there is a huge demand out there for these fixer upper type houses and if you can help fill that demand you will be laughing all the way to the bank. Ben will soon be releasing his second book. "How to Win Profits and Influence Friends" Ben stated that this book is a vital companion to his first book and actually had a discounted deal if you buy both at the same time.
A lot of real estate investors out there are hoping that Ben's new books will inspire another big bucks boom in real estate. It appears there are a lot of property owners out there also hoping the same thing. At least a boom that lasts long enough for them to unload their over priced "investments." Time will tell but either way if you have friends and family members with money you may want to get his book fast.
October 10/2010 NEWS FLASH....
The Newest Rage in Electronics… bed bugs!!!
Yes it now appears that the latest rage in electronics really is bed bugs!!! Not the creepy crawly biting type but the microphone type. An underground reporter… Ben Wauchen recently interviewed an electronics retailer who chose to remain anonymous. He was quoted as saying "Bed Bugs are really hot these days since people can buy them and have them installed inside the mattress they use for their guest rooms." Apparently by installing these "bed bugs" you can find out what your guests really think of you after they have retired for the night. "Though moral issues in regards to their use do raise some questions it is better to be safe than sorry" the retailer explained. "These days you never really know who you can trust. This is just another insurance policy that protects your interests and investment in your guests." he went on to say.
During a recent interviews on the street one person said that these are a terrible thing and just force you to make sure you are always "politically correct" even when you think no one is around. Another person standing there had the opposite to say. He yelled back that in order to stop war in the world people need to be forced into being politically correct at all times, whether they like it or not! Before long those two were throwing punches at each other. It was obviously a sign that this whole issue is a bit of a hot one with people.
One interviewer who chose to remain anonymous said, "I work for a phone company and we can pretty well track every word every one says through their cell phone or landline so don't see what the big issue is." He later went on to say "unless you are swimming naked with someone on a deserted beach you pretty well have to watch everything you say. Even then there is no hiding. Anyone saying anything these days that they would not want said on radio needs their head examined. That is about as dumb as thinking you can delete files on a computer!! Some people still believe that deleted files are actually gone."
Another interviewer who claimed to be involved in this business but again chose to remain anonymous said "there are all sorts of bugs out there that can be used by almost anyone. Bugs for vehicles are also another hot selling item. In fact apparently a lot of the new vehicles have bugs tucked away in the electronics already. Of course if you want a bug you can use you have to buy your own as the factory installed ones are not available for public use. Bugs are really great if you lend out your vehicle lots or have employees that use your vehicles. A few minutes of listening can tell you a ton about the people you are listening to. Unfortunately you can't use the recordings in court but who cares. Going to court is just a waste of time and money anyway. If you hear something that tells you an employee is not up to trustable standards you can just work things in a way that he quits. No muss no fuss. The courts are far too slow and expensive when it comes to dealing with a bum employee."
Apparently the use of bugs has opened up a whole new business opportunity for one company called "GET Debuggers" These guys are kind of hard to find as they don't advertise but their specialty is debugging your new car and other electronic equipment. Their sales rep Ken Savya said they are run off their feet with so much work. The reason they don't advertise is to avoid attention and harassment from the government. He also said that government see's privacy as an invasion of its rights and makes policing even harder and more expensive for the tax payer. This is one reason why they are constantly chipping away and privacy rights.
Either way it appears that "bed bugs" and other bugs are here to stay so you may want to practice a little caution when sleeping in strange beds, driving other peoples car, or even your own car for that matter. You wouldn't want some recordings from a "bed bug" to bite you on the back side!!
September 28/2010 NEWS FLASH....
Ritalin's side effects now more benefit
Yes once again folks Ritalin has hit the news. It appears that researchers have come to some amazing conclusions. Apparently now even the side effects attributed to the use of Ritalin are turning out to be very beneficial for most parents. This will be a huge relief to those who had their kids on regular doses of it. The most common worry has always been about the financial burden of caused by side effects. Having to pay for a colostomy bag for their kid in the event they did develop something weird like anal leakage or similar could be financially devastating. This is especially true when you add in the regular expense of raising a child in today's modern world. One parent was quoted as saying "It might not wipe us out but it would severely inhibit our ability to invest in such great places like China and Russia." Some parents have even gone as far as taking out a specialized insurance policy for their child in the event of scary side effects. "You just can't take risks with something like this which is what makes the insurance vital. Our portfolio is too valuable to lose at this point" one parent stated.
Well soon their worries could be over. It appears now that the side effects of ritalin use are more of an advantage to the parent that previously though. See the symptoms below explained. Some of the known symptoms are explained below.
Nervousness: If you have a daughter on Ritalin then this is extremely important since the added nervousness could make it even harder for your daughter to get a date. The less dates your daughter has the less you have to worry about her getting a "bun in the oven" that you have to pay for. Not to mention the embarrassment that such a situation would cause you.
Insomnia: A lot of parents are finding this is a huge bonus. Kids that are sleeping can't be working or doing chores. When the kid can't sleep then you just throw a lawn mower in front of them. If you add up all the extra work that they are able to get done around the house the savings could be huge in comparison to paying for a maid or butler etc. Again this gives you more disposable monthly income to invest.
Loss of Appetite: This was one side effect that received the most favorable response from parents. One parent was quoted as saying "have you seen what kids can pack away these days?... It is completely appalling. What I save on my food bill each month I have been investing in China. My accountant says in twenty years with compounded interest I could very well be rich"
Nausea: This one was another exciting point for one parent. He said "yes paybacks are a bitch arnt they… my kid has been making me sick for years with all their weird clothes, hair styles and dot commie crap etc. Now it is their turn to suffer a little"
Dizziness: Well if your child is turning 16 then you could appreciate this one more than most. If a child has dizzy spells then it is not safe for them to drive now is it. That is a free and easy excuse for your child to not borrow your car or have their own. Again just the insurance savings here could be added to your investment account giving you even more options in today's tough market.
Headaches: Well most parents will agree, if only in private, that their children have caused them more headaches than anything. Lets just call this one karma… sorry kids.
Drowsiness: Well as one parent put it "rarely do drowsy kids get into trouble. They just sit around on the couch half asleep." It appears that most parents would rather have their kids doing that than out running around town and getting into trouble or taking up sports and breaking a leg. "The financial burden of that could be devastating to my portfolio" another parent was quoted as saying.
Abdominal pain: "This is their own fault no question" said one parent "My kids have been belly aching for years and now it has finally caught up with them"
Weight loss: This one appears to be a no brainer. American kids have been getting fatter and fatter. This could be a godsend to help fight the war on obesity in our country. This alone is enough to make the drug mandatory for all students and not just the hyperactive ones.
There has also been some evidence that Ritalin can stunt the growth of children "Well boo hoo" said one parent. "kids keep getting taller and taller every generation. I am taller than both my parents and they were taller than theirs. If this keeps up where is it going to end. We will have to redesign our whole infrastructure just to accommodate those kids? There is no way that we should be forced to pay for that. In order to maintain favorable relations with China we need to be investing over there and not wasting money on modifying our infrastructure here."
Well it appears that this is a case closed situation. The risks to your investment portfolio by having your kids on Ritalin are pretty well non existent. This should put a lot of parents at ease especially in these hard financial times. On top of this one researcher was quoted as saying "Who knows, there may be more side affects show up that could also be beneficial. We will just have to wait and see". If you are a young parent there is no doubt this is very exciting news for you and your investment portfolio.
September 16/2010 NEWS FLASH....
Finally Ritalin for your Parrot!!!
Well supposedly this news has caused a bit of an uproar in the pet world. Researchers have finally approved the use of a specially designed version of Ritalin for your parrots. Most drug and pet stores will be soon handling "Pretty Bird" Ritalin made specifically for birds. A rep for "Pretty Bird" said that birds should be seen not heard. Nothing ruins the joy of owning a bird than having it squawking and screaming all the time.
Well needless to say a lot of parrot owners are quite upset about it. One owner was quoted as saying "If they think I am going to stuff some drug down my parrots throat just because he is a little hyper they got something coming!" Apparently most parrot owners agree that not near enough testing has been done yet to confirm it is safe. One owner said that once he sees that it does no harm to his kids then he may consider it for his bird, then and only then. "I paid good money for this bird and have had her a long time…" I am not risking my parrots health just because she gets a little noisy at times."
The common consensus among most parrot owners is that people get a bird because they are so cute. After a year or two the novelty wears off and then they just expect pump drugs into it to shut it up. "Unfortunately you can't just stuff a TV in front of the bird like you can kids" said one very irate parrot owner. Some even said people should be required to get a license in order to even get a bird. They should have to prove they have the capabilities to even look after it.
A lot of bird owners are waiting to see the results of the present testing on children in schools. After ten more years of child testing maybe then I will give it to my bird another protester said. Most owners agreed that they loved their birds too much to turn it into a guinea pig for big drug companies. A lot of the protesters interviewed said it is appalling what those drug companies will do to increase their profits.
There were some bird owners though that said they can't wait. One was quoted as saying "I work hard all day so I can have money to feed that bird and when I get home I need some peace and quiet. Often that is when my bird starts squawking and dancing around the most…. Drives me crazy! I am on the verge of turning that parrot into a wring neck parakeet!! If this product calms the bird down it could save it's life!!" He went on to say that they have been giving it to their kids for years already and their kids seem fine. Sure their kids were a little overweight but that because they spend so much time blank staring at the wall. They will grow out of it by the time they are thirty.
It will be hard to say where this all goes but no doubt it has got tempers flaring. One owner said he would give it to his bird once they are sure it does not cause something weird like "anal Leakage or liver failure" in children. After that he would be willing to step up to the counter with his bottle of "Pretty Bird" ritalin.
Apparently it comes in three different tropical flavors and birds just love it.
A.D.D is Sad but D.A.D. is real bad...
August 31/ 2010 NEWS FLASH....
Just an added note here. I just heard from the mother ship that even though a huge percentage of the kids in the US now have A.D.D. (attention deficit disorder) they are not the only ones with problems! 60% of adults over 40 now have D.A.D. (deficit attention disorder) This is where a person watches too much news and is worried sick about the countries deficit. Some cases are so bad they even worry about their own deficit or debt.
This situation has gotten very serious. Most of those afflicted with this dreaded disease are also worrying about a lot of other stuff. The most common is about having to work in factories making cheap stuff to export to China.
Needless to say all this worrying is causing all sorts of health ailments. What makes it worse is the fact the government would have to increase the deficit to do anything about it.
Fortunately the medical profession has stepped up to the plate with a treatment. They have come up with a derivative from confiscated cocaine which is so far showing promising results. They are hoping to have a complete cure to this ugly disease within the next twenty years. A group of ex-CEO's and unemployed realtors has been organized to facilitate in the fund raising, which will start immediately.
Terrorist destroys local church...
In interesting news today the American Military were able to track and kill a suspected Al Qaeda operative. Trouble started in a local church where some man dressed in a white robe came into the church bazaar and started kicking over tables. Pastor Ben Mac Encash….. upon noticing the white robe immediately suspected Islamic terrorists and notified the local authorities. After doing extensive damage to the tables and disrupting the very successful bazaar the suspect left yelling the end is near. Pastor Mac Encash was quoted as saying “this was a very successful bazaar and we were raking in some really good cash before this fool came along” “The cash from these sales is vital in order for us to maintain our operations here doing the Church’s… er… I mean… uh…God’s work!” “the white robe and beard was my first clue that this guy was a terrorist. That is why I called 911 so fast”
Thanks to quick response from 911 the military brought in two Apache gunships to track the suspect. The suspect was later spotted running across the lake and was taken out with one HSTM (human sensitive tracking missile) Though the authorities were reluctant to comment they did say it appears that the suspect had been using some kind of high tech anti gravity or floatation device to keep afloat on the water.
Unfortunately the HSTM"S main drawback is that they do destroy most of the evidence for further investigation. Thus he went on to say that no body was found though they did find a piece of what appears to be robe material with a faint image of a bearded mans face burnt into it. “Could have been caused by the intense light created by the exploding HSTM reflecting off the suspects face” said one of the military bystanders. This piece will be supposedly be taken to a military lab where it will be studied further.
Military spokesperson Pilot Spack did point out that this last discovery proves that the Al Qaeda may have access to a lot higher tech equipment than previously thought. He also noted that this was just another reason why the American people need to surrender their rights to aid the fight against terrorism. Our freedom depends on it he went on to say.
Pastor Mac Encash later commented on the sorry state of the world today when you can't even have a garage sale. According to the Pastor they had already gotten their city Garage Sale permit, filled out all the taxation paper work, all the sale goods had been inspected by the EPA for potential environmental hazards and approval papers issued, permits for garage sale signs were also in hand along with the mandatory waiver papers that must be signed by all sale shoppers. Even the paper work for the required liability insurance was on hand. On top of all that the whole garage sale area was inspected and approved as up to standard for handicap access and approval papers also issued for that. After doing everything up to the required standard some terrorist comes along and ruins the sale for everyone. This is just one more reason why we must step up the war on terrorism. Our freedom is really at stake here folks!!